How did I let it happen? How did I wake up one day to find myself at 286 pounds and completely miserable in my own body? It happened, I can't blame anyone but me. And only I can fix it. So I am. On December 23, 2009 I had Lap-Band Surgery with Dr. John Marsden. I'm down 100 pounds so far with about 25 to go.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Take a deep breath ....

Because yes, this is another post from me. And just a day after my last post. I know. I will wait for you to get up off the floor from the shock .......

There. I hope you didn't hurt yourself :)

Today is alright. I finished the hat I started knitting on Saturday and I love it. I wore it in to the office today and was a smidge disappointed that nobody commented on it. I got a few odd looks, so I guess peeps weren't a fan. But whatevs, I love it and that is all that matters.

I ordered a bracelet and a ring from Stella & Dot through Amanda and it arrived today. I love them both! Esp the bracelet, because it is totally like a slinky! Good times.

I am going to yoga after work and while I really don't want to, I need to and I know I will feel good after its done.

Last night was support group and it was fantastic! I got to see my BBF, Beth and a couple of other ladies that are super fun. We talked about a lot of things and one thing really hit home with me. Why do we sabotage ourselves? I wish I knew. Because I totally do. After some discussion with the group and some emailing with my buddy Cat, I have determined that I am afraid to reach my goal. Afraid because I don't know what life will be like when I get there. At least where I am now is familiar. I'm not FAT anymore. I'm not thin either, but I'm way better off than where I was. I know how to deal with life at this weight. I don't know what it will be like when I get to 165 or 150. What if it is too hard? What if I'm still not happy with my size. What if pigs start to fly?! I know. Things that I shouldn't be concerned with right now. And it dawned on me why my weight loss has stalled. Since I am more of a "normal" size now, I am not working as hard on doing what I need to do to lose. It is not as urgent of an issue anymore. My health is not at risk. I am not uncomfortable. People no longer stare at me for being the fattest girl in the room. I blend in. So why should I sacrifice to keep going? Because. Because I don't want to give up. I don't want to only be "OK" with my size/weight. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful and everything I know I should be.

I'm not going to make any huge proclamations about what I am going to do differently from today forward. Because I know that every minute of every day is a struggle. It will be for the rest of my life. I will have to take them one at a time, and convince myself during times of struggle that making the better choices more often than not is the best thing for me. It is what I need to do. I need to stop lying to myself that this or that or the other is not THAT bad. I need to stop making excuses and just get over myself and do it. Whatever IT is. I need to put my money where my mouth is and lead by example. It's time to get on with the getting on.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Struggles and Life

Hello all my friends out there in blog land! I bet you thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth! Well, I have not. I would say that I have fallen off the wagon, but honestly I don't think I've really been on it in a while. I am trying to hang on as best I can right now until my brain clicks again and I can make myself do what I need to do.

But enough of that!

How is everyone?! Other than my weight (which isn't horrible), I'm doing really well right now! Life is good, work is good, hubby is good, kitties are good, family is family (ha!) and for once I'm not stressing about the holidays. I usually don't enjoy this time of year because of the stress of gifts and food and parties and commitments, etc. But I'm not letting it bother me this year.

So, what's been going on with me ... hmm, how about some bullet points? In no particular order :)

  • I told y'all I got a new car, and I love her. She is so much fun and I am super happy with my decision! 
  • My BFF and I went to San Antonio for the weekend a little bit back. We took the Amtrak train from Fort Worth to San Antonio. It was a lot of fun! It takes 8 hours to get from FW to SA, but on the way down we had a 2 hour delay outside of Austin. It was alright, and no delays on the way home. However, after we got off the train in FW, the train goes over to Dallas before it heads on towards Chicago and there was a shooting on the train! 1 person killed (the bad guy) and 2 injured (1 undercover cop and an innocent bystander). It had to do with drugs. It was a little weird to think that it happened on the very train that we had been on all day. The 2 injured will be alright, they were fairly minor injuries. While we were in SA we had a great time. We walked up and down the riverwalk a bunch of times and shopped up a storm in the market. We had a lot of great Mexican food and laughed up a storm. It was cold and rainy but that did not dampen our spirits. On the train ride there and back, we worked on knitting some flip top mittens. I got one mitten a little more than 1/2 way done, Just need to do the thumb and the flip top part. I'll get some pics up when I'm finished.
  • Surprisingly (to me anyway), work is going pretty smooth right now. It is surprising because it is nearing Christmas and I work in retail. I've been lucky that people have been actually finishing their work on time (or beforehand) so that I haven't had to rush. Plus I've been able to have my friend Kathy come in and help me out with some work a couple of times. It has been rather nice actually.
  • I've seen the Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt. 1 movie 5 times in the theater so far. Yes, I realize I am a 40 year old woman. I love the story and am a smidge obsessed with Robert Pattinson :) Go ahead, mock and judge. I don't care!
  • James and I are both taking off the week between Christmas and New Year's from work. I'm pretty excited about it. I have no idea what we are going to do yet. I do know that I want to go see the Sherlock Holmes movie and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo movie. We will probably catch up on some other Netflix movies and play computer games, etc. I expect it to be a relaxing and fun time.
  • Tonight is my support group and I get to see my BBF Beth Ann! Yay!!! I'm excited :)
  • I got my Christmas present early ... a Kindle Fire! I got it yesterday and am in love with it already. I am new to the Android OS so I've got some things to learn and figure out but so far it is amazing.
That's all I can think of right now so I'm going to close for the moment. I hope you all have a wonderful day and a wonderful week!