How did I let it happen? How did I wake up one day to find myself at 286 pounds and completely miserable in my own body? It happened, I can't blame anyone but me. And only I can fix it. So I am. On December 23, 2009 I had Lap-Band Surgery with Dr. John Marsden. I'm down 100 pounds so far with about 25 to go.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Take a deep breath ....

Because yes, this is another post from me. And just a day after my last post. I know. I will wait for you to get up off the floor from the shock .......

There. I hope you didn't hurt yourself :)

Today is alright. I finished the hat I started knitting on Saturday and I love it. I wore it in to the office today and was a smidge disappointed that nobody commented on it. I got a few odd looks, so I guess peeps weren't a fan. But whatevs, I love it and that is all that matters.

I ordered a bracelet and a ring from Stella & Dot through Amanda and it arrived today. I love them both! Esp the bracelet, because it is totally like a slinky! Good times.

I am going to yoga after work and while I really don't want to, I need to and I know I will feel good after its done.

Last night was support group and it was fantastic! I got to see my BBF, Beth and a couple of other ladies that are super fun. We talked about a lot of things and one thing really hit home with me. Why do we sabotage ourselves? I wish I knew. Because I totally do. After some discussion with the group and some emailing with my buddy Cat, I have determined that I am afraid to reach my goal. Afraid because I don't know what life will be like when I get there. At least where I am now is familiar. I'm not FAT anymore. I'm not thin either, but I'm way better off than where I was. I know how to deal with life at this weight. I don't know what it will be like when I get to 165 or 150. What if it is too hard? What if I'm still not happy with my size. What if pigs start to fly?! I know. Things that I shouldn't be concerned with right now. And it dawned on me why my weight loss has stalled. Since I am more of a "normal" size now, I am not working as hard on doing what I need to do to lose. It is not as urgent of an issue anymore. My health is not at risk. I am not uncomfortable. People no longer stare at me for being the fattest girl in the room. I blend in. So why should I sacrifice to keep going? Because. Because I don't want to give up. I don't want to only be "OK" with my size/weight. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful and everything I know I should be.

I'm not going to make any huge proclamations about what I am going to do differently from today forward. Because I know that every minute of every day is a struggle. It will be for the rest of my life. I will have to take them one at a time, and convince myself during times of struggle that making the better choices more often than not is the best thing for me. It is what I need to do. I need to stop lying to myself that this or that or the other is not THAT bad. I need to stop making excuses and just get over myself and do it. Whatever IT is. I need to put my money where my mouth is and lead by example. It's time to get on with the getting on.


  1. It's good to hear from you....loved this post.

  2. I think it is really common for us to get to about your size and feel pretty comfortable. It is compounded by the time of year, I'm sure. Great post!

  3. As you and I emailed about darlin, where we are isn't where we set out to be and if we're comfy here it's probably not a bad thing, but I know at least for me, and I think you too, the rest of the journey to goal is going to be FILLED with awesome. I know I'm looking forward to it and reminding myself each night when I want to snack that the next half of the journey will be worth it and I can relax a bit (remember, 70/30 rather than 90/10) when I get to my goal. It's not and end, but it is an end of the losing part and the beginning of maintenance. I'm not at maintenance yet and I want to get there!! You ready to join me?? *hearts*

  4. This is a great post. I think that this in fact maybe part of my issue. I am comfortable!

  5. I just showed my hubbs the hat, and he liked it as well! I want one!

    the bracelet and ring are awesome as well!

    And I do the same thing. I would not be miserable if I had to stay at this weight, but I'm not happy here, I NEED to keep going!

  6. First...can I get that green please. Thank you.

    Second...if anyone can reach their goal and be a success it is you. You have this "umpf" about you that doesn't give in and never quits. You are going to reach your goal...and I'm going to be right there cheering you on!!!

  7. I love the hat too! And you did it yourself, I wish I had those skills... I'd be making me stuff all the time (at first). Lol.

    As for getting comfy (raises hand), I do that... and am like that... and I hate it because I fight myself often about losing more. I think you will pull yourself out of it... and will get to goal. As for me, I don't know why I don't see that.

  8. You know I love the hat. And that I want one just like it in brown. lol

    We've talked about this on the way to Waco, so you know how I feel about it, too... but I think we're in the same boat. I look in the mirror and I say, 'Really, why would I want to work my ass off to lose 15 more lbs? I'm in the 170's!' What kind of stupid logic is that.

  9. I LOVE the hat! And I know exactly what you mean. I just posted the following comment on Ronnie's blog and it fits here too: "I've had a post bouncing around in my head about fear of success but don't have the words to write it yet. I'm graduating from college this week (yes, this WEEK) and I'm a little, will me with a degree be the same? And how can I be DONE after all this trying? I think that relates to weight loss, but like I said, I don't have the words yet. But I hear you. Yep. Fear."

  10. Hey girl! Love the hat!! Now, to your little can get past the mindset; I know you can. I can tell you, it's great being at goal and don't be afraid to be there too. You will find new and different goals and achievements to strive for. You've come this far...the prize is in sight...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!