How did I let it happen? How did I wake up one day to find myself at 286 pounds and completely miserable in my own body? It happened, I can't blame anyone but me. And only I can fix it. So I am. On December 23, 2009 I had Lap-Band Surgery with Dr. John Marsden. I'm down 100 pounds so far with about 25 to go.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Shout Outs and Thanks

Sweet sweet Dawnya texted me yesterday to check on me because I have been so quiet on my blog lately. I assured her I am just fine, just haven't been very chatty lately. It's been busy at work and since this is where I usually post from, it has sort of just fallen by the wayside. But I don't want her (or anyone) to worry about me, so I am making a point to post today!

I have been reading this week and there have been a few posts that have really hit home with me. One from Lyn at Escape from Obesity where she talks about how tired she is of counting calories and weighing food and obsessing over every little thing. I sort of feel like that right now. I feel like for the past several weeks it doesn't really matter what I do, nothing changes the scale. I touched on this in my video blog the other day - well, nothing has changed. I'm not going to stop being mindful of what I put into my body, but I am going to stop being a crazy nut job about it.

And on that same note, I think I actually said AMEN SISTER! out loud to the screen when I read Ronnie's post on Monday. I too am tired of all the reasons and excuses as to why the scale isn't moving, and I'm just over it. I've been eating a lot of calories this week. Even with that, I should still have a deficit overall for the week, which is really all I'm aiming for these days. My goal right now is to focus on how I feel and how my exercise is going. One hurdle at a time. Right?

Steph and her positivity posts have been making my days! I am usually a very positive person (at least positively crazy, that's for sure!) but I have my times where it is hard to keep that smile going and remember all the good things there are in life. So thanks Steph, you have made my week better with your posts and your wonderful spirit!

Jen's Brain Purge post really touched me. I know exactly how that feels. Just about every single word of it. The frustration, the stress, the emotion, the terror, the anger. I am so proud of you Jen for being brave enough to post that. Please know that it helped me. And I hope that in some small way that makes you feel better for posting it. :)

Amy's post about her yoga class made me smile! I'm not quite to the headstand stage yet, but I am determined to get there one day! And I'm with you, I L-O-V-E the balance poses. I did a full on Tree yesterday for the first time without falling over or needing the wall. I was quite proud of myself!

Draz's post about what you will do when the fat is gone seriously made me sit at my desk with my brain wheels turning for a good 20 minutes. I never thought I was one to eat my emotions … until I got banded. It wasn't until I could no longer push my emotions down with food that I realized I was that person. Then when you put that together with BBF Beth's post about being a sensitive person, I sort of started to get a picture in my mind. I've tried to be the person who didn't want to show that things people did or said hurt my feelings. I didn't want to be the "blabbering, crying fat girl". So in order to keep those feelings at bay, I would push them down with food. Now that I can't/won't do that anymore it has been an adjustment to let myself FEEL those feelings. Quite scary at times, but also very liberating.

Back when I was fat, I wasn't the girl that people would think to call when they wanted to do something fun or go somewhere neat. I don't know if it was because of my weight or because of the way that I let my weight make me be. I don't even know if that makes sense. I think my fat made me put up walls to protect myself, making me seem closed off and aloof at times. And now I'm allowing myself to tear those walls down and just be who I want to be. Everyone else be damned! I am now letting people know when they hurt my feelings, I am allowing myself to feel happy being me so that I don't feel like being closed off from others which then makes people want to call me and hang out with me. This is a big change for me.

So, now I just feel like I'm rambling. :)

However, in all seriousness. Thank you to all my blogging family out there. Every word you are brave enough to share helps someone at some point. Whether you realize it or not. I will try to remember that myself in the future and not stay quiet for so long for fear that I have nothing worth saying.

Have a great weekend!!!


  1. Glad to hear you are okay...I was wondering about you too...sometimes we all go "quiet" to think about things....xoxo

  2. We all have times of going quiet, but I'm glad to know that my posts are helping you. I'm keeping the positivity alive and I hope you have a great weekend!!! Hugs :)

  3. OMG...fat walls. I totally know what you mean. Man, sometimes I feel like you totally just say thoughts that are in my head. Love you bunches!!

  4. Don't stay quiet for too long - love your blog!

  5. I'm glad someone liked my post, I really felt like it was too bitchy... but I thought it was just real!

    Glad you posted, and I enjoyed your vlog's realness as well. I hate when the scale isn't moving and I'm doing all the right things, that's kinda what I've been experiencing the last week and a half. Ugh.

  6. I am so glad you are starting to feel free to be who you are. That makes all of the struggles worth it.
    Great post.